Movie Minutiae - Cruise Vs. Betts: The Genesis
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
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"Johnny, you sure do make fun of Tom Cruise a lot. Is it solely because he comes off as a complete wacko, or is it
something personal?"
Good question, dear reader. Here's my story, though it might not be completely based on fact.
1983. I was an eight-year-old with an angelic face and a curiosity to explore the world outside
the lines within which I lived. The Outsiders and its group of greasers opened that world to me. These were
kids I could root for. After all, they grew up on the outside of society. And they weren't looking for a fight. Oh
no, they were merely looking to belong. Show me an eight-year-old who can't relate to those themes and well, I'll show
you a normal eight-year-old. But that's beside the point.
While everybody else was grossly overestimating the star potential of C. Thomas Howell, I had my eye on Tom Cruise.
The main reason being we were the same height, but I also thought he had a pretty cool name. Cruise.
"Hey mom, I want to change my name!"
"Why's that, dear?"
"Beacause I want a cooler name. Like Tom Cruise!"
"His name's fake."
"So? I was thinking I'd go with Johnny Camaro. Or maybe Johnny Speed."
"Well, when you're 18 then you can do whatever you want."
That put an end to that discussion. But I didn't want to come away empty-handed, so I asked my mom if I could send a
letter to Tom Cruise and ask about the super cool, jean vest he wore in The Outsiders. She didn't really appear
to be paying attention to me, but she told me to go ahead. I found a fan mail address from Teen Beat and fired off
this letter:
Dear Mr. Cruise,
My name is Johnny Betts. I'm an eight-year-old from Memphis, TN and I just wanted to let you know I thought you were
really cool in The Outsiders. I think one day you may be almost as big of an icon as your co-star
Patrick Swayze.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing is to ask if you know where I could get a jean vest like the one you wore in the movie.
In fact, it'd be really cool if I could have the one you actually wore. Considering we're about the same height I
should be able to wear it for a few months (since I'm only eight I expect to have some growth spurts soon, the kind
that for some reason seem to have eluded you). If you can't send the jacket then maybe you could send me a
complimentary autograph? Anything would be appreciated. Thanks!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny Betts
A few weeks went by without a reply. I figured I'd never hear back from Mr. Cruise, and I eventually just forgot about
it. But then one day a special package arrived.
Picture a calm Thursday afternoon. A good-looking young boy (me) has just gotten home from a hard day of working on
fractions and advanced reading comprehension. All he wants is some supper and a couple of hours alone with his Atari.
Receiving something cool in the mail is gravy.
"Hey Johnny, there's a package on the table for you," his mother tells him as he walks through the door.
I looked on the table, and there it was. A brown envelope. Not large by anybody's estimations, but not small either.
Pretty much what you'd expect. I walked over to the envelope and picked the package up. My arms were shaking. Not out
of nervousness or excitement mind you, I had lifted weights during recess. Even at eight years old I had to keep the
guns in prime condition.
I just sat there and read the address over and over.
"Well, is that the letter?" my mom asked.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I put the envelope down; I just couldn't open it.
"What's your problem?" inquired mama, "Just open the thing already!"
She was right; there was no sense in waiting.
I began to tear away at the envelope. It seemed as if I was opening it in slow motion. Piece after piece of the
envelope pirouetted to the ground as I became more and more determined to reach my destination. Finally, I looked
inside. My heart sank. Where was the jean vest? Where were the free goodies? I reached inside and pulled out a slip
of paper.
It simply said, "Up yours, signed Tom Cruise's minions."
I flipped the paper over and written on the other side was "One complimentary piece of JACK SQUAT."
Suffice it to say, I was flabbergasted. Was I totally surprised? No, not really. But flabbergasted nonetheless.
Something like this would crush the spirits of your average eight-year-old, but there's never been anything average
about ol' Johnny B. I clenched my fists, furrowed my brow, and made this promise to my mom, "One day, if Tom Cruise
is ever a big star, then I'm going to have a webpage where I'll make fun of him so badly that people will refuse to go
see his new movie! I'll go so far as to claim that my words will be so powerful that they'll cause his movie's box
office numbers to be about 30% less than industry projections!"
My mom laughed and condescendingly patted me on the head.
Well, who's laughing now, mama? That day has arrived, and I'm undeservedly taking full credit.
And to think, a simple jean vest could've prevented this whole mess. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there -
there are no insignificant events in life, only insignificant reactions to those events.
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