Movie Minutiae - Apocalypse Now
By Johnny Betts, Moviegoer Advocate
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You don't have to look very hard to find a doomsdayer proclaiming that the end of the world is near. Any time a natural
disaster strikes these never-ending sources of entertainment can be found on the street corner, calculator in hand,
explaining the formula they have used to determine the exact date when we can expect our demise.
Well, I say we need look no further than Hollywood and the entertainment industry for real signs of the
coming apocalypse. Welcome to my new segment - Apocalypse Now - where I'll frequently reveal to you the warning
signs and keep you abreast of exactly when you might want to start building that underground bunker.
March 14, 2006
In Case You Thought Remakes Hadn't Gone Far Enough
Quick show of hands - who here thinks Hollywood has yet to go overboard with all of its remakes? OK, Ms.
Cali, you can put your hand down now. Well, I've got good news for everybody who loves displays of
uncreativity. Are you ready? Go ahead and sit down because this is HUGE! Are you sitting down yet???
OK, good. It brings me great pleasure to announce that we are in store for a movie version of... *drum roll*
WELCOME BACK, KOTTER!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! Hold on, calm down. I'll give you a minute to
catch your breath and let the goosebumps go away. Ready? Here's the best news. The lead role will be taken on
by none other than... *drum roll*
ICE CUBE!!!!!!!! Give me just a second to wipe this tear of joy out of my eye...
OK, whew, I'm ready to proceed. For any of you atheists out there all I have to say is IN YO FACE! You can go
ahead and put away any of your lingering doubts about God's existence.
Unfortunately, this is also proof that God believes in punishment, and for some reason He seems to feel that
moviegoers are in need of a little chastening. Perhaps if we repent for all the crap that we pay to see and
thus convince Hollywood to keep making then God will be merciful and prevent this from ever seeing the big
screen? It's worth a shot.
You think I'm joking about this? I wish. You can read the full article at
Variety's website.
Welcome Back, Kotter starring Ice Cube? Unbelievable.
February 22, 2006
More Money than Sense
Have you ever wondered what people with too much money and too little common sense spend all that extra cash
on? Well, wonder no more! Some smelly, sweaty shirt that Jake Gyllenhaal wore in Brokeback Mountain
sold for $101,100 on eBay. Yep, you read that right. How on earth could you possibly get your money's
worth out of that item? Honestly, I want to know.
The shirt that Josh Brolin wore as Duster in Slow Burn that Stephanie got me as a gift one year cost
less than $30. The fact that I own a shirt that Josh Brolin wore in a movie is dorky enough, but can you
imagine if I paid over $100K for it? Granted, the jacket he wore or the Colts he used as "Wild Bill" Hickok
in The Young Riders might be worth that, but otherwise...
February 13, 2006
The Devil Just Purchased a Winter Coat
It has been reported that an Indian director has contacted Paris Hilton about potentially starring as the
lead role in an upcoming Mother Teresa biopic. The Movie Mark reports that snow flurries have been spotted
in Hell this morning.
January 13, 2006
You Knew David Hasselhoff Would Eventually be Involved
Words can't do this justice, so I won't even try. I defy anybody to watch this and come up with an
explanation as to what he was thinking. He must've cashed a pretty big paycheck to resort to this.
Watch THE VIDEO; it says it all.
January 4, 2006
Patrick Swayze Has Lost His Mind
Patrick Swayze has announced he is experimenting with rap music. Quit laughing; that's not a joke. Swayze's
inexplicable experimentation involves "rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads." I have no idea
what that means other than "disaster."
Before you bust a gut from laughing too hard, you might be interested to know that Swayze is not new to the
rap genre. Apparently, and I just learned this myself, in U.S. rap vernacular, the term "Swayze" means to "leave" or
"disappear." Obviously, this is inspired by Swayze's 1990 hit film Ghost.
Ironically, in U.S. movie vernacular, the term "Swayze" means "to suck" or "to reek." This is derived from every film
he's done since Ghost.
Swayze's presence in the rap world was also felt in 2002 when he starred as an FBI agent in Ja Rule's
video Reign. In U.S. rap vernacular this is typically referred to as "needin' a paycheck."
Swayze has not announced an official release date for his new rap material, but an unconfirmed source stated, "Just
keep an eye in the sky and wait for the clouds to split open. That'll be a good indication."
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