|
Movie Review - Snakehead Terror (2004)
|
|
|
|
|
(What this rating means)
|
|
| |
|
| Director: |
Paul Ziller |
| Starring: |
Bruce Boxleitner and Carol Alt |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
The fish are really biting. |
| Studio: |
*shrugs shoulders* |
| Website: |
Snakehead Terror |
| Release: |
March 13, 2004 |
|
PLOT
|
Well, see, a small town was starting to have problems with snakehead fish in their local lake. So the town poisoned
the water in order to kill off these unwanted predators. The problem is that other fish died as well. In an effort
to accelerate the natural growth process of the local fish population, the town folk dump human growth hormones in
the lake. Unfortunately, not all the snakehead fish were dead as previously thought. You know what that means,
right? Yep, the snakeheads mutate, become huge, and start killing people. Yet another fine example of how it
doesn't take talent to write a screenplay ensues.
|
|
JOHNNY'S TAKE
|
Nothing trumpets a movie's irrelevance louder than the inability to remember anything about it a mere few weeks
after watching it. Seriously, when I started to review this I had to stop and recall whether or not I'd actually
watched it yet. I thought I had, but I couldn't remember a thing about it. I finally found my notes and after
reading through them all the craptitude came flooding back. I wish I had just kept those memories hidden in the
recesses of my mind. Kind of like the "gym teacher incident" of '88.
This actually isn't as putrid as you might expect. But please don't take that statement as an endorsement of any
kind. It's just one of those generic, low-budget movies that manages to avoid being horrible but is just too
mediocre to be any fun.
There are a few moments of unintentional hilarity though. You gotta love when a teenager gets killed and his friends
immediately vow revenge on the sea creature that introduced their buddy to his demise. Within a couple of minutes
they're laughing and bumping fists as they set out to "even the score." Good job of completing bypassing the
mourning period, guys! I'm sure y'all will have no problem defeating some creature (on his own territory, no less)
that has the capability of killing humans.
Note to my friends: if you're ever killed by a shark or something then I hope you'll understand if I don't dive in
the water and attempt to take the thing on by myself. I'll have to defer to the proper authorities in that case.
Nothing personal.
I think my favorite part is when the teenagers are in a boat and one of the girls shoots at a snakehead fish but
she shoots the engine of another boat instead, causing an explosion that kills one of her friends.
The remaining friends vowed revenge on her, laughed, and bumped fists. Or not.
Oh, and Carol Alt is another in a long line of hot biologists in bad monster movies. Gotta love the reliance on
such clichés!
Welp, that's about it. The movie bored me, this review is boring me, and there's really not much else to say about
it. Skip this one. I guarantee you that watching it will not add anything positive to your life. You won't be
entertained, you won't walk away a better person, and you won't tell anybody, "You know, I'm really glad I watched
Snakehead Terror." I simply cannot think of a single reason this might be worthy of 90 precious minutes.
|
|
ODDS & ENDS
|
- This is the second in a trilogy of bad Snakehead movies that Johnny is going to review. The other two are
Frankenfish and Night of the Snakehead Fish.
- Snakehead meat is quite popular in China.
- Snakeheads can only survive out of water for a few hours and their "walk" is more of a wriggle. Even Michael
Moore could probably out run one of these things. But he'd probably try to stay and eat it instead.
- The idea of walking fish is kind of disturbing but the idea of dancing fish is even freakier. Don't even get
me started on those stupid Billy Bass singing fish. Whose grandfather doesn't have one of those
things?
- Bruce Boxleitner was in Tron with Jeff Bridges who was in Wild Bill with David Arquette who was
in The Road Killers with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
|
|
MAMA'S APPROVAL
|
I saw this on the Sci-Fi Channel so there's really not much here to offend.
|
|
TRAILER COMPARISON
|
I have no idea if there's a trailer for this and I have no desire or intention to find out.
|
|
THE GIST
|
If you happen to see this on TV one day then I highly recommend that you just keep on flippin'. I've seen worse,
but this simply has nothing to offer. It's only for those of you who are really desperate for a bad movie.
|
|
