|
Movie Review - Centipede! (2004)
|
|
|
|
|
(What this rating means)
|
|
| |
|
| Director: |
Gregory Gieras |
| Starring: |
Larry Casey (who?), Margaret Cash (at least she's hot), Danielle Kirlin (ditto on the hotness), Trevor
Murphy (huh?), and George Foster (whatever) |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for creature violence and brief strong language) |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci Fi/Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Deep in the earth terror awaits. |
| Studio: |
Shoreline Entertainment |
| Website: |
Centipede! |
| Release: |
November 6, 2004 |
|
PLOT
|
A group of bad actors go caving in India and get attacked by gigantic centipedes. That pretty much sums it up.
The typical sub-mediocrity that we've all come to expect from the Sci-Fi Channel ensues.
|
|
JOHNNY'S TAKE
|
"What's this crap?" Stephanie asked me, without even a hint of subtlety, as she walked into the room and
recognized that I was watching something with really bad acting and very low production values.
"Centipede!" I shouted.
"No need to shout," she scoffed.
I had to explain that there was indeed a need to shout because this is a movie that ends with an exclamation
point. Yes, "one of those." How can you not shout? Why else would a movie end in an exclamation point if they
didn't want you to shout?
However, I don't know why they think there's anything to shout about. Common sense and historical precedence tell
us that any movie title combining an insect name and an exclamation point is going to be horrible.
"So why bother putting an exclamation point in there?" you might wonder.
Good question, but I think it's the director's way of politely warning us. It's kind of like the surgeon general's
cigarette warning. Slap an exclamation point in your title and you're basically saying, "Stay away! Don't watch!"
If you ignore the warning and watch the movie anyway then you're solely to blame.
"So is Centipede! really as bad as all that?" Why yes, yes it is. "So bad it's entertaining?" Well, let's
examine.
Things start off with great promise (relatively speaking) as we're introduced to two Indian (not the Tonto kind)
characters and some really bad dubbing. After the Indian girl flirts with the Indian guy and convinces him to go into
a cave (by appealing to his love of deep, dark things - I kid you not), they're quickly killed by a fake
centipede.
Flash forward to New Hampshire and enter a bunch of annoying 20-somethings. Get this - the pretty boy of the group
(we'll call him Spelunker Ken) is getting married. Instead of a bachelor's party, his best friend is taking him
and "the old group" (their bad actor friends) caving in India at a cave that goes three miles below the surface.
He explains that only eight people in history have made their way to the bottom. Spelunker Ken is all for it.
So let me get this straight - only eight people in history have made their way to the bottom, yet some dorks on a
substitute for a bachelor's party are going to accomplish this? Yeah. Sounds reasonable. Something nice and
safe to do before getting married. This was the best idea they could come up with to explain why the movie was
filmed in India?
Anyway, the acting's as bad as you would assume. Everybody delivers their lines awkwardly, barely managing to
spit their lines out and then looking around as if to seek approval for remembering the entire line. My favorite
is one of the guys is showing us what an expert he is on fancy poison and centipede species names yet he struggles
saying the multi-syllabic words.
"I've found traces of five hydroxy...um...trypta...ahem...mine and cy...cy...toly...sin."
"Really, um, wow."
"Yeah, that's venom from the *cough* art...arthropod skull...o...pan...dra gigante genus." *looks around nervously
to see if he's about to get fired*
That's supposed to be skolopendra, genius. I think I heard someone off-screen whisper, "Use phonics," but I can't
guarantee that.
Anyway, you get the point. Now I know what you're thinking. "Wow, this all sounds really bad! I can't wait to
get my buddies together and have our own MST3K night!" Well, I'd hold off on those plans for just a bit. Yes,
the movie starts off on a fine cheesy note, but then it makes the same mistake so many similar low budget films
make - it takes itself way too seriously.
Such a waste. After realizing that approximately 68% of the script would consist of the word "dude," I just knew
we would soon be treated to some really bad one-liners. And how can you go wrong when you have production values
and bad acting to rival 1986's Chopping Mall despite being made in 2004?
And you can't help but laugh at the fact that these kids are three miles underground where it would be
VERY COLD yet one of the girls is wearing really tight spandex shorts, the other chick is in a sleeveless shirt,
and all the guys are in short sleeves. Experienced cavers, these folks are. Oh, and it's amazing how well-lit
India's caves are.
But I think my favorite scene is when they're partying and getting drunk (quite the advisable action when you're
thousands of feet below the earth's surface, swinging around sharp precipices on a bungee cord), and one of the
girls turns up the volume on the boombox and starts jamming to some generic music. Everybody starts chanting for
the other girl to "DO THE DANCE! DO THE DANCE!"
I'll be honest with you; this girl is no actress, so I immediately assumed she must be a professional
dancer in real life. She protested, but the fact that everybody chanted "DO THE DANCE" about 30 times convinced
me there was going to be a huge payoff and this gal was about to wow us with a dance routine the likes of which
the Sci-Fi Channel has never seen. "Watch out Antonio Banderas, there's a new queen in town!"
But then she circled her hips around, waved her arm in the air like she was about to lasso something, and
mimicked just about every drunk white girl who's ever danced at the office Christmas party. It was at this
point that I realized talent was not to be found on any level.
At least I was being entertained, in the way we are all entertained when we are laughing at the shortcomings and
incompetence of those around us. But then the movie decides to roll the dice and see if we'd feel any tension
and care about any of these kids being hunted by a huge plastic centipede. The answer? Nope.
You'll either be rooting for the characters to die or rooting for the end of the movie to arrive. You'll take
whichever comes first. Who honestly thought audiences would give a half a crap for any of these characters?
Apparently somebody did because there's one tedious scene that consists of one of the "actors" in peril where a
rope is tied to him and presumably the centipede is pulling it from off-screen. For what seems like 92 minutes
we watch as he screams and his friends struggle to save him. Woo hoo, exciting.
And where are the bad one-liners? Folks, "bad dialogue" is not the equivalent of "cheesy dialogue." When you
know that you're not going to achieve anything above mediocrity then just swing for the Velveeta fences and CHEESE
IT OUT! The closest we get is when one of the no-namers responds to another no-namer's bad attitude with,
"Hello! Who ordered the tough guy?" Clever. I'll try one - "Hello! Who ordered the bad actor?"
For a brief moment I thought that the movie was going to make an effort to "redeem itself" at the end.
"That's it," what's-his-name said, exhausted and victorious.
Ah here it comes, bring on a really bad pun! Time to bring it home! Here it comes...
"No more adventures."
Huh? Excuse me? That's the best (worst) you can do? BOOOOOO! I just sat through this whole thing and all you're
gonna give me is "No more adventures"? I was mad. Still am, actually. I was expecting something along the lines
of, "That's the last time I plan a bachelor party!" and then everybody would've laughed (despite all their
friends dying) and the credits would've rolled.
Personally, I would've had the surviving female say to Spelunker Ken, "I just want to know why in the world you let
so-and-so plan the bachelor party." Then after a dramatic pause she'd add, "That's really been buggin' me."
All the bad actors laugh, cue cheesy 80s-sounding synthesized music, and roll credits.
|
|
ODDS & ENDS
|
- Apparently huge centipedes sound like woodpeckers when they scurry along the ground.
- The only backstory we get to explain how the centipedes became so huge involves the characters walking into a
cave room with barrels of toxic waste and one of them saying, "Well, that explains some things." Good job, guys.
Way to tie up those loose ends.
- Budget: $500,000.
- George Foster was in The Beverly Hillbillies with Erika Eleniak who was in Under Siege with
Tommy Lee Jones who is in the upcoming No Country for Old Men with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man
with Kevin Bacon.
|
|
MAMA'S APPROVAL
|
I watched the Sci-Fi version which bleeped out a handful of "s" words. If you catch it on TV then there's nothing
to worry about. I suppose this might scare a 3-year-old, but that's about it.
|
|
TRAILER COMPARISON
|
Feel free to watch the trailer if you like. You can access it from the movie's webpage, and it certainly gives you
an idea of the bad quality to expect.
|
|
THE GIST
|
For some reason, Centipede! really wants you to take it seriously. It appears as if the filmmakers thought
they might actually force viewers to feel some tension. They didn't. There's enough cheese to keep you laughing
and shaking your head at the beginning, but feel free to stop watching after the "DO THE DANCE!" scene because it's
all downhill (and not in a good way) from there.
|
|
